The Art Of Transformation | Time Of Transformation

 

In this episode, Dr. Tamsin Astor, your Chief Habit Scientist and author of “Force of Habit,” shares three key ingredients you must have when you are in a time of transformation. Tune in as she joins Marc Scheff in discussing the immense power of meditation, the importance of self-trust, why you need a good support system, and the right way to get out of the unhealthy hustle culture.

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3 Things To Remember

In Times Of Transformation, 3 Things To Get You Better On The Other Side, With Dr. Tamsin Astor

In this episode, we talk with Dr. Tamsin Astor. Dr. Astor is the Chief Habit Scientist and she’s been through all kinds of transformations, many of which she shared in the show. She shares the three things that she knows from her research on how to get through this transformation so that you’re better on the other side, the best version of yourself. Let’s get to the episode. Thank you for growing with us.

The Art Of Transformation | Time Of Transformation

I’m here with a new friend, special guest, and compatriot in the coaching world, Dr. Tamsin Astor, who is a PhD in Cognitive Neuroscience and has a book out called Force of Habit: Unleash Your Power by Developing Great Habits. She’s also the mom of three neuro-spicy kids, including a cancer survivor. Dr. Tamsin, welcome to the show. I’m going to let you introduce yourself probably a bit more than I did.

Thank you so much for having me, Marc. I’m super excited for our conversation. I am the Chief Habit Scientist. I help people create daily habits to connect their big juicy life and business vision. It goes a little bit deeper than that. Thanks for your fabulous conversation with me. It’s more about helping people unhide those parts of themselves that they felt they had to conform particularly in our society of shoulding and “musterbation.”

“Musterbation,” I like that.

We all “musterbate” on a regular basis.

Another one that I like is that we should not should all over ourselves.

A song by Wookiefoot is Don’t Should On Yourself. It’s bad for the health of your friends to should on your friends as well. I have lived in the US for many years. I love to travel. I love coffee, food, live music, and juicy conversations. If I can weave all of that together the travel, music, food, and conversation, it’s a yum.

 

Dealing With Duality

I’m curious to dig into that because you brought it up and it’s something that we talked about in one of our previous conversations, how you look at duality and how you are able to hold duality. Tell me about that and also what the impact is on somebody who might work with you or experience your work in some way. Tell us a little bit more about that holding of duality.

The holding of duality is something that I’ve spent my life doing. I grew up in a home where we talked about psychoanalysis. My father was a Jungian analyst. We talked about lots of art, data, and science. My uncle is an OBGYN. We had this interesting combination of logic, math, data, and science with art and creativity. My grandmother was psychic and was into aromatherapy and homeopathy in the ‘70s. Those were things that were unusual in a lot of the world.

To be clear, you have a story about that. Would you mind telling it?

It is one of those extraordinary stories. To me, it felt normal in the home where I grew up. When I was eleven, I started taking the classic red London bus to school on my own. It’s the ones that you could jump on and off. Buses have this tendency to arrive altogether. I managed to run to the stop and all of my friends got on the bus and it went off so I had to jump on the one that came after. What I didn’t realize was that the stop that was closest to my school was a request stop. The bus only stops if you roundabout.

I’m standing there. I got my backpack and school uniform on. The bus lies past the bus stop. I get up in a vague state of panic because I was very driven by following those right rules when I was a little girl. I grabbed hold and let out to look where was the next bus stop. The next thing I knew, I was walking along the street, blood pouring down my face. I didn’t know my name or what the day of the week was. My next memory was sitting in a stranger’s living room with them going, “What’s your name? What’s your phone number?”

While this was going on, my grandmother called my mother and said, “Something has happened to her. You need to call the school.” My mother cursed my grandmother, “Don’t be crazy. She went off to school fine.” My grandmother was like, “No. Something happened. You need to call the school.” My mother called the school and found out that I’d never showed up. The search began where I was in Camden.

I repeatedly came up with the wrong phone number. I didn’t know my name. After they kept asking me, they luckily found my name and then they took me to the ER. My mother met me there. That was one of those first stories and I have many more of my psychic grandmother but that was perfectly normal in conjunction with the logic, science, data, and everything else.

How does that work into the work that you do as Chief Habit Scientist?

I am comfortable helping people to hold the duality of where they are now and where they want to be. They are complete and whole even if they’re in a state of transition, pain, or growth. You’re holding the now whether this is where you want to go. You’re holding the duality of quantitative and qualitative data to understand how you feel and show up.

With my clients, I’ll talk about, “What is the number on the scales? What’s the net amount in the bank account? What is the concrete data that is in alignment with what we’re talking about? What is the qualitative data? How do you feel when you do or don’t do these things? How do those two relate to each other?”

We have a society that so often focuses on quantitative data. What is the stuff that we can see? We’re so badly educated. We do a terrible disservice to our children in terms of, “How do I feel about what I’m doing or not doing? What does that information tell me about how I’m living in alignment with my vision for my life, my business, the kinds of relationships I want, the kind of body I want to have, and the kind of home I want to have?”

Our society often focuses more on quantitative than qualitative data. We do a terrible disservice to our children by disregarding how they feel.

 

Self-Trust

There’s some science that came to my radar with some financial institutions. Maybe it was the Kennedy Center at Harvard or something that studied how decisions are made. They looked at big hedge funds finance firms. They found no surprise that no matter what kind of logic there is behind a decision, the origin of all decisions is emotional, it’s feeling. You hear this all the time even in the corporate world, “Why did you do that?” “I had a feeling about it.” I can go back and say, “This is the logic.”

Even when someone says this is a logical decision, there’s still a feeling that’s driving that. “What is driving your logic?” You’re moving towards a feeling of safety and success, whatever it is. Maybe I spoiled it but that’s what I would say to people who are like, “I try not to let my emotions guide my feelings.” What is the benefit of accepting that and using that knowledge to drive more alignment decisions? What does that get someone?

Depending on who you talk to, you have to figure out the way that they understand that concept. Some people will talk about it as intuition. Some religious people might talk about it as God, the university, or the spirit has spoken to me. Some people will see that slowing down, getting quiet, and allowing that information. The benefit is with that information, you’ll make fewer mistakes when you follow that.

Often, we’re driven by the logical thing to do and the thing that makes sense rather than the thing that feels right. One of the things that we fail to do in society, particularly with a girl when they start to go into that stage of puberty, is we’re told to shut down and even the classic, “Kiss your uncle hello on the cheek,” rather than, “Do you feel safe kissing this person who might feel like a stranger on the cheek?” We start to train people to shut that down. What that often does is we start losing trust in ourselves.

It’s hard to take action when you’re not doing it from a place of self-trust. The benefit that I see with my clients is when they start to listen to that gut feeling, that little voice inside the universe, God’s intuition, or however you want to phrase it, they create self-trust. When they create self-trust, they like themselves more. They feel happier and feel like they are making decisions to replace them deep in the knowing rather than because there’s this external pressure.

Tangentially related to this, in our society, there’s pressure for continued action. I was having this conversation with my coach about how I’m in a state of transition, feeling pressured because of living in this world of, “What’s my next goal?” I’m working on sitting with, “I don’t know what my next step is,” and that’s okay. Doing that is going to create self-trust in me rather than going, “I need to take the next step because that’s what’s expected of me.”

It’s like kissing the uncle on the cheek. This is the thing that’s expected. It doesn’t necessarily fit with who I am, what I want, or what I’m comfortable with. I like what you’re saying here. If you learn to tamp that down, then you might make decisions. We see this all the time, people who make decisions that will lead them toward success like the how-to ten extra things, the one weird trick, and do all these things. The thing that lights me up when I hear from you is when you’re having that conversation and saying, “What is behind that?”

You get all that success money, fame, or whatever it is that you’re looking for. “What does that get you?” “I get to have all these.” In my experience and maybe yours, it always comes back to how someone wants to feel at the end of the day. It’s crazy we’re sitting here talking about feelings. I agree. If we can identify what that feeling is for ourselves and others around us, what I’m hearing is there’s that self-trust, which also means that other people trust us.

When we trust ourselves interacting in alignment with ourselves, other people see that and there’s a feeling of trust, which you get machiavellian or capitalist about it. “If people trust me, connections can be made and work might be gotten. There are things that we can do together that I can do with someone who I trust versus someone who I don’t know where their decisions are coming from so I want to stay away.”

The other piece in relation to this is that the more that we can live from that ourselves, the more connection we create around us that is deeply authentic. For example, when I led our call on Friday, that group of us all came together from being in the same space. I was struck by how safe everybody felt being deeply vulnerable. I reflected over the weekend on what had I done in the setup of that to create that because it was very deeply moving to me how comfortable and vulnerable everybody felt in that space.

What I took away from that was I was comfortable being deeply vulnerable myself. I showed up in, “This is who I am. This is what I do. This is what I believe in. I’m in this state of not knowing exactly where I’m going with this that and the other.” QED, you can all share that too. The point about this is the more we can tap into how we’re feeling. For me, that came through being diagnosed with complex PTSD and my talk therapist saying, “You’ve got to stop talking and thinking your way through this. You’ve got to feel your way through this. I’m going to fire you for a little bit. You need to go and work with a therapist who can help you feel your way through this.”

That is the thing. I’ve had this quote in relation to that. If you want to change the way people behave, you need to change the way they think. If you want to change the people think, you need to change the way they feel. That’s how these are all related. As a Buddhist of a decade, that’s a large fundamental part of being a Buddhist, thinking about that connection between your beliefs, thoughts, and actions, and not who you are as a human and how you show up, and being responsible for looking at those connections.

If you want to change the way people behave, you need to change the way they think and feel.

 

Buddhism And Meditation

The Buddhist side, how has that influenced your transformation over the past years?

For me, a huge part of Buddhism is learning to be friends with my mind. One of the things that I found irritating about classic Christianity was that I’m going to be forgiven my sins every week. There was no deep reflection on why had I gone down that thought pathway and said those things to somebody and hurt them. Why had I failed to stand up for myself in this situation? It’s like, “You’re forgiven for this thing.” That frustrated me.

I discovered Buddhism as part of my yoga teacher training years ago. I happened to do one that was focused on Buddhism rather than in Hinduism. The common thread was, “How can I be helpful?” That was how Buddhism was internationally introduced. The more I dug into Buddhism, what I understood was me making friends within my mind and the more I could understand my mind and reflect on how my mind operated.

When I’m still meditating, does my mind tend to go towards, “Everything will be better when I lose 10 pounds. When I’m in that perfect relationship. When I get that particular person in my life. When I buy that house. When I get the car.” Does this go to the future or do I sit there and go, “Why did I do that?” Past, regret. What does my mind do when I’m not feeling it? I forget to know my mind and I get comfortable with my mind.

A large part of my Buddhist practice is the classic Viktor Frankl quote, “The gap between stimulus and response is your source of greatest freedom.” My PhD examined conscious awareness of reaction. It’s ironic that I was doing that in the late ‘90s given what I do. When stimulus arises, whether it’s the dog barking, the kid going, “Mom, Dad,” the client knocking at the door, or the internal, “Why did I say this? What I did do? Did I lose my keys or what,” that for me has been the biggest gift because it allows me to show up in a state of intentionality rather than reactivity.

There’s a lot that is hitting on. I’m thinking back to a lot of my coach training and coaching experience with that silence that you can create with someone and not be in a rush. Feel it. Sometimes that is where so much work happens. There’s a TED Talk that I watched and I forced my son to watch it. He wanted to come home early from school one day. It was study hall and he had done everything already. I was like, “You can come home but you have to sit with me and watch this TED Talk for seventeen minutes. That’s the deal.” He said, “Fine.” He comes home.

 

Closing Words

In this TED Talk, you can find boredom and what happens when we’re bored, which is maybe also what happens when we meditate or sit quietly. Boredom looks a lot maybe staring at the ceiling, which I’ve said for many years that staring at the ceiling is a very important part of my creative process for hours. What happens according to this scientist with the research that they did is that our brain goes into default mode. The default mode is when the right brain gets to play.

We’re not focused on solving a problem. Our brain is expanded out. It might not feel that way. You might feel like you’re looping on something and that might be happening. At the same time, this is what the right brain does. It takes a big picture of you and says, “You don’t need it if we took that over there, put it with that over there, and mash this thing out.” That’s the source of creativity for a lot of what we do. It makes complete sense to me that silence would create so much possibility and transformation for you or your clients.

To your point about the boredom piece, that’s a real struggle in our modern society because we are thought to feel and consume. The problem with that is it leaves very little space to create those connections, which are so vital to who we are. I’m thinking about what you’re saying about yourself. I can imagine how many people with kids would be like, “I’ll sit next to you and watch that while I’m on my phone, Dad.”

 

State Of Transformation

I watch a lot of clips and specials. I forget the guy’s name but he was talking about meditation and maybe Buddhism. I don’t remember exactly what he said but I think about my kid when he was like, “I’m bored.” I was like, “How much time did we spend going outside and staring at the clouds? I’m like a Zen master.” We have to get back to mindfulness. We were good at this. No one of these kids talked about mindfulness in the ‘90s but we were doing it because we didn’t have all this to distract us.

You go look up the comedian. I don’t want to steal his stuff but getting back to mindfulness and how that can create transformation, you’ve acknowledged you’re in the middle of a transformation. Maybe there’s something that you can share with our vast audience, all five of them. What is something that you are doing? You’re in the middle of this. You’re discovering a new path and doing a lot already. You’ve got books, PhDs, and all these things. Tell us a little bit about this transformation as you’re aware of it at the moment.

As I’m in this transition, the visual I have is being the eye of the storm. I’m sitting here. I’m in a state where I don’t know where my three children will be living so that feels quite destabilizing. There’s that spinning around me. I’m redefining what my business looks like in the way it’s structured because my children’s lives are changing. I am planning on moving at the end of 2024. There’s a lot of stuff that is swirling around me.

As I’m in a state of transformation, one of the things that I’m holding on to is this mantra, which I got from Rob Bell, when I went to see Liz Gilbert and Rob Bell in the summer of 2023. I am on Tamsin time. I’m not on anybody else’s time. This pressure is like, “You’re redefining your niche and building a speaking business.” I’ve got to shut that down and I can feel that.

I have nine certifications. I’ve been a busy human. Since I moved into this world, I haven’t sat on my ass but I’m in a space of going, “This all feels very different and I’m transforming.” The first is to give myself the permission to say, “I am on my schedule and time frame. I have no clue what that’s going to look like and that’s okay.” That’s on the first.

Give yourself permission to follow your own schedule on your time frame even if you are unsure about the outcomes of what you are doing.

Being okay with not knowing, I know it sounds woo-woo. When I’m working with somebody who’s a brand expert and looking to do his thing, there’s a lot of not knowing. We’re all kinds of people. I can give you examples from probably everybody that I’ve worked with. There’s a lot of, “I don’t know how’s that going to go. I don’t even know exactly what I want here.” We live in a society where it’s like, “You got to know and go out. Crush your goals and all this stuff.” “What if I took a minute, gathered some information, and gave my default mode a little time to put it together in a way that makes the most sense?”

That’s the first piece. The key when you’re in a state of transformation is doing it on your time scale. It’s like grief. I’ve had a few major grief moments in my life. There is no time scale for grief either. It’s been a decade since my cousin died of leukemia. He and I were like brother and sister growing up. He was three months younger than me. He had a huge impact on my life growing up.

As he was dying, we had a lot of conversations that gave me a huge amount of emotional willpower to take action in a space that I was frightened to take action, which was when my ex-husband walked out the fourth time, I realized I couldn’t take him back that fourth time and I had to switch into living for myself, not living for my children. It was directly through his conversation. The first thing is being willing to do it on your time scale not and feeling forced by everybody else.

The second thing for me that has become so important is that I’ve spent a lot of my life taking action. Getting the feedback from the action, “Did I do the right thing,” I’ll be like, “I’m thinking about this. I’ll go out and do it.” It’ll go for a bit and then I’ll be like, “Maybe that’s not right.” I’ve spent a lot of time doing a lot more of this systematic embodiment, allowing myself to feel my feelings and use those as a guide. Not as the only guide but to incorporate that with my intellect, which is powerful and dominant in the way I engage in the world. Follow the feeling.

That’s how I created our group prosperously. There were certain people in the group and I liked the way they were engaging. I was like, “Do you want to have a conversation?” Follow the feeling rather than being all logical. “Why would they want to do that?” I’m going to follow the feeling, see what emerges, and use that as a valuable and useful source of data and not just an intellectual overthinking piece. My natural tendency is to think my way through the situation.

Doing stuff on your timescale, combining feelings and intellect, but paying attention to the feelings. Maybe there’s someone reading this who is like, “I’m good at this.” That’s something that I even speak for myself, too. It’s a thing that I need to intentionally say, “Let me intentionally go look at the feeling. This isn’t feeling right. If it is feeling right, is that okay?”

 

Practice Of Noticing

Quick question about feelings. You’re a parent. I’m a parent. We know what it looks like for little people to follow their feelings. Sometimes, we act like little people when there’s this big feeling of, “I do want to but I want to know which bucket the feelings are.” Pay attention to this one or notice this one integrated but do not act on that feeling.

Part of that is the practice of noticing. When I first started doing this work on myself and helping my clients with this, it was often retroactive. We would take a situation where we had a feeling and we thought, “Maybe I should do this but logic says I should do that.” You follow only one part and then stuff is up in your life. “Maybe I should have.” You do this thinking back over.

One of the things that I found useful in doing this work is doing some of that reflective practice of, “When I have or haven’t followed that gut feeling, has it worked for me?” As you get more practice at doing that, you start to notice. As a concrete example, I am training in Ayurveda. A large part of my training was leading people through cleanses. Depending on your energetic profile, you do a different cleanse for your body. What people would notice was they started to change their cravings through sugar, carbs, or whatever it was that they were craving.

When people would say things like, “I’m craving sugar or carbs,” I would say, “Let’s talk this through and work on it. How do you need it” Versus your body craving steak or spinach. If your body is craving steak or spinach, that’s probably information that you need iron. If your body is craving salmon, you probably need Omega. Start to connect the dots between the pull and what you know about that pull. We know that when we get pulled towards sugar, whether it’s alcohol or processed carbs, we get pulled into that space.

The model I was given was the race car versus the trusty old Volvo station wagon. The brown rice will get you there in a nice strong way & you won’t have an energetic crash. The white rice will give you the quick high & crash. It’s a little bit of figuring out your keystone habit, which I do a lot of work with all my clients. Often, it’s not immediately obvious. You have to gather the data, explore, and learn to connect the dots.

 

Keystone Habit

There’s so much there. Quickly, can you elaborate on what a keystone habit is?

Do you know the keystone arch? The keystone is the one in the middle that if you take it away, the arch crumbles. Your keystone habit is the habit that when you figure it out tends to precipitate the following through of other habits. For example, your keystone habit was sleep. If you’ve got your 7, 8, or 9 hours of sleep at night and you notice that when you slept, you would go into your jiu-jitsu, eat your healthy green smoothie, and be less reactive with your kids. That would be your keystone habit because all the other habits were good.

The best way to identify your keystone habit is when you notice it once you stop doing it.

Often, when we’re trying to figure out our keystone habit, the best way to notice it is when we stop doing it. We’re traveling. We’ve got guests in town, COVID, or whatever it is. You stop exercising. Your sleep gets derailed. You stop eating the food that you know nourishes your body. You stop meditating, journaling, having your daily walk where you don’t talk to anybody, or whatever it is that you do regularly. You suddenly notice, “I haven’t done that for a week. I’m pissy and angry. I haven’t worked out. I’m eating donuts.”

You nailed it. For me, it’s sleep and jiu-jitsu. Sleep is probably the keystone habit. Is that a keystone habit for a lot of people?

Yes. Sleep is a keystone habit for a lot of people. Also, meditation or some kind of reflective practice where you’re not consuming information. You are focusing on digesting, taking care of your mind, and movement. Those tend to be often key ones for people.

 

Creating Habits

It’s interesting that they are body-related. There’s something you said that I want to get back to. There’s a beautiful nugget that I want to name here One of the ways that you can go through a period of transformation is to start to notice. Notice what actions you’re taking. No judgment. “These are the actions that I’m taking. This is how I reacted when my kid, my partner, or the people I worked with did this. This is how I’m acting and behaving.”

Take that and say, “How has that served me in the past?” I’m not talking to somebody who’s 15 but somebody in their 20s, 30s, or somebody who’s lived a little bit of life. Maybe it’s not negative but it’s not getting somebody where they want to go. I like that idea. It’s that right-brain thing stepping back and going, “Let me look what this looks like. If I continue these actions, where does that go anywhere?”

The other aspect that I would add to that process, and you also do this, is the process of saying, “We’re stepping back. Maybe this is where it’s going. Where do you think you might want to be? What is the action that that person in your future would take to start getting there?” I had one of my deep dive sessions with someone and it’s so funny. She had a number of goals. She booked the session. Between now and then, things had evolved for her at work, her social life, and where she lives.

It was funny. After a couple of days after the session, she said, “I knew that I was working towards acts. I was working towards this series of moves, decisions, and everything. What clicked in for me is the things I can be doing now. It’s not that I’m waiting and then I’m going to suddenly be a different person or get a raise, promotion, or different job and then I’m different. There are things that I can do now.” It seemed very small but as we know with habits, if you change the directory, over time, it’s a big lift.

That’s what I do. I help people create that big juicy vision and connect their daily habits. It’s an iterative process. We change where we want to go. We change our habits. We move more. I love the whole vision board and creating all of that but it’s not static. Part of it is this process of reflection and taking care. In that space, the thing that is critical when we’re in a state of transition is who we are surrounding ourselves with.

That’s one of the things I talk a lot about with habits. You can create a new habit in 21 days and then people are like, “I haven’t done it in 20 days.” We don’t live in a freaking vacuum. We live in these complex complicated lives with environments, multiple relationships, pandemics, and what’s going on in Israel that massively impact how we show up.

Hang out with people who should be on us, who forced the state of masturbation, and who say, “What’s next? How can I fix you,” rather than hanging out with people who go, “You need me to hold space so that you can talk. Would you like some solutions, ideas, or suggestions or do you need a hug?” Hang out and think a lot with an average of five people we spend the most time. That is important.

We’re getting into heart alignment and energetic coherence. We’re looking at how our heart rate variability comes into alignment together as humans and that creates a sense of connection. When we surround ourselves with people who have that self-trust and listen to that intuition, it’ll allow them also to hold space and listen to the intuition of those around them. That’s important.

When you’re in a state of transition and you don’t know yet where you’re trying to be, surround yourself with people who are kind, thoughtful, reflective, and will not just throw things on you but say, “What is it that you need?” Also, ask you questions rather than trying to fix you and say, “You’re stuck. Let me help you get through this problem.” It’s not helpful. Be cognizant of the people we spend time with.

I see that so much in my work. When people start to change their habits, they’re changing their identity because we judge, group, associate, and stereotype people based on a lot of their actions and behaviors, which is what habits are. If we start to change their habits, the people around them start to notice that. You’ll either get the people that are leaning and going, like When Harry Met Sally, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

I’m frightened by the changes you’re making because you no longer have predictable actions and behaviors in the way that you used to. I’m going to condemn you and make you feel crappy and pull away. That’s the other thing in life in general but particularly when you’re in a moment of transition, it’s being around people who are not trying to force their agenda or try to fix you and keep you online. Allowing me to be in my hands and time is so key.

When you are in a moment of transition, be around people who do not force their agenda on you.

There’s a whole other conversation to be had. What that takes me is this idea that I’ve worked with. We’ve created our lives. We essentially are the puzzle piece that fits in our lives in some way. When we decide that we want to be different, better, and more authentic to ourselves, our puzzle piece shape is going to change. The pieces that we’ve built around us no longer fit. Those pieces can either be flexible and hold space for us and say, “If you want to be here, we got you. We’re going to change you.” There’s going to be some pieces that are like, “No, I’m rigid. I’m not going to change.”

Our energy audits and other things that we do start to come into play where we say, “For me to have the space, mindset, and time to live into this person that I want to be, I want to be a better person and be less reactive. I want to not yell when my kids do something or when something happens. For me to do that, I need the pieces around me to be able to hold that space.” That can be done in lots of different ways through either conversation or action. The flip side of that is there are going to be some pieces that don’t.

You have to be okay with that. Often, you have these bros before hoes, and girlfriends never end. It’s all of this BS around how friendship lasts forever and relationships don’t. I’ve had to let go of friendships over the years when I stepped into a new state of self-knowing and going, “I don’t want to be friends with somebody who all do is complain because that drives my energy down and they’re not taking action.” Fine, we all are conveying a moan but if you are not going to take action and all you do is complain to me, I don’t want to be your friend. I find it exhausting.

You’re a friend that always takes from me but never gives. I had this friend who was always like, “Can you pick up my kids from school? You’re at the grocery store. Please, buy my dog some food.” It was never reciprocated. It got to this point where I was like, “I’m the one that’s always giving and this feels depleting. Allowing ourselves to break out of the model has to laugh forever. We can flip, change, take care of ourselves, and let go.

I’ve been writing some notes on the side. There are a few great nuggets here for me about when it comes to transformation, things are kept in mind like doing things on your time scale and paying attention to feelings, not in a way that’s judgmental but like, “What are the feelings that I’m having? Is there a reason? Is there something that I’m trying to do? Is there something that I need or want that I’m not getting?”

Also, the idea that we need a support system. You and I had this conversation on WhatsApp where you asked me a great question about what it was that I wanted and what it was that I needed. I was able to in that space come to some big conclusions about who it is that I want to be. Thank you first of all. I would invite and encourage anybody who’s reading this to think of that one person. It doesn’t have to be a whole team of people.

 

Be Kind To Yourself

Who’s the one person that you could go to and say, “I want to be more like this. I want to develop this skill or better habit, way of being around the person that I want to be?” No one’s broken. We’re all learning about ourselves and changing. What would you leave our huge vast numbers of readers with us?

I see that picture of Einstein I believe behind you.

It’s a painting. I made that painting.

Amazing. I love it. I’ll hang out more in your house with you. This is so fun.

Next time you’re in Brooklyn. For real, yeah. We got it on the calendar.

I have a story about Einstein. When he would get stuck with problems, rather than trying to force himself through, he would pick up the violin. The violin gave him that sense the forward motion and expansive creativity, and then he could reorient back to solve the problem. The big takeaway from all of this is that all of this work that you and I and all of these coaches that we are around are helping people in states of transformation.

There are lots of tools, mindset, practical habits, visioning, and all of those things to do. The communities are important. One of the most important things is to give yourself grace and not try to force it. There’s one of the things that’s interesting. I forget where I read the study but there was a study done on the concept of the hustle culture. I see that with the conversations I’ve had with my twenty-year-old and his friends.

They have a much stronger concept around the value of friendship, life, time off, travel, and expiration rather than, “Hustle and work until you die.” The statistics on each of the generations in terms of, “The hustle culture is the way to live,” massively drop as the generations get younger. Thinking about the model of Einstein and all of our conversations is to give yourself grace, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself the space to breathe.

That’s a beautiful ending. I would like to ask this to everyone. What is the best way people can find you and work with you?

Find me on LinkedIn, @TamsinAstor, or Facebook, @Tamsin Astor. You can check out some of my videos and regular writing and get some freebies. Have a conversation about working with me one-on-one or in my program called Habit Magic 101, or have me come and do a workshop or training in your organization because that’s one of my juicy funding. I’m good at facilitating conversations that transform people’s lives.

Thank you again for being on the show. We are in the process of getting a new show publishing thing going. You can follow the show on many different services including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many others. We’re also going to be posting these on YouTube. Maybe you’re seeing this already in one of these places and if you are, I would love it if you did all the liking, subscribing, and everything else you’re supposed to do. I’d love to hear from you if you got something out of the show. If there’s something that you would love to share, send me a message. I respond to everything. Thanks again, Dr. Tamsin Astor. It’s been so lovely having you.

Thank you so much for creating the space to ask me questions that create deep reflection and transformation with you, Marc.

My pleasure. We will talk soon.

—

I love that conversation with my friend Dr. Tamsin Astor. If you enjoyed it as much as I did, please do all the things, like and subscribe. If there is an insight that you get from this episode or any of the episodes, if there’s something you realize, something you learn about yourself, or something you’re excited to go do, I would love to hear about it. I love hearing what the impact is on the world around me. If there was an impact on you, I would love it if you shared it. Until next time. Thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

 

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About Dr. Tamsin Astor

Tamsin Astor, PhD is the founder and Chief Habit Scientist of Yoga Brained Coaching. She is known for giving her clients the tools to shift their mindset, organize their vision, and improve their habits to create an efficient, productive & joy-filled life & business. We make 35,000 decisions every day, which leads to decision fatigue. Dr. Astor helps her clients reduce the amount of overwhelming decision-making they do by harnessing their goal-achieving machine – AKA – their brains. This also increases their time and energy for fun! Prior to coaching, Dr. Astor was an academic and then a consultant, using yoga and meditation to support children and therapists, and teachers and students, on the ADHD and autism spectrum and in struggling inner-city schools. Dr. Astor is non-judgmental and compassionate, connecting multiple certifications to provide insight and support to her clients and to motivate and inspire others in her workshops, keynotes, and presentations. In addition to her coaching and consulting practice, Dr. Astor is an avid traveler and foodie taking her three kids to Brazil, France, England, Amsterdam, Japan, Costa Rica and beyond because she believes travel helps breed tolerance and cultivates gratitude and reflection as you observe how other cultures operate and make choices. Tamsin Astor holds a PhD in neuroscience and psychology and a post-doctorate in education. She also has certifications in yoga (RYT500, Yoga Ed.), mindset & Ayurveda (Living Ayurveda, Yoga Health Coach). She is an executive coach and author of the book Force of Habit: Unleash Your Power by Developing Great Habits.

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